From Surviving to Thriving: How to heal the scars from an emotionally immature parent

“People have two needs: Attachment and authenticity. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity.”

-Dr. Gabor Mate

The word “narcissist” is having a moment these days. Videos on Tik Tok and Instagram present neat, bulleted, quick-tip points warning of this type of person. Typically it’s a romantic partner who tries to get what they need at anybody’s expense, thus becoming a cautionary tale. I have heard the word thrown around so casually and so frequently and have become very curious about why.

But in addition to piquing my interest, my hope is that this opens space for people to talk about something additionally and profoundly painful: 

What if this person was your parent or caregiver?

If this resonates with you, what does this mean about how you grew up? According to Dr. Mate, when we’re young our emotional needs and our very survival depends on our attachment and acceptance into our group or family. When we have an emotionally immature caregiver (for the sake of this post I will use this umbrella term), we may actually feel this on a deep level even when we’re very little. Our caregivers may feel scary and unpredictable, and we may even feel them competing with us for attention or accolades. But this may not register for us consciously; it’s not like we can set healthy boundaries or walk away from the people who feed, clothe, or house us. It doesn’t even make sense! Why would the adults in our lives, the first people we know, love, and depend on, treat us this way?

In response, we may repress or deny acknowledgement of being mistreated as a survival strategy. It’s difficult to fathom our parent(s) or caregiver(s) being unable to love and care for us in the way that we need to thrive and grow and have healthy relationships as adults. So, in order to make sense of it, our young brains interpret their mistreatment as love or caregiving, and disown the abandoned parts of ourselves.

Putting these feelings away in a drawer doesn’t solve the need for healthy attachment or connection for very long: those basic, universal needs will always pop back out. After all, we are human. We may act out, potentially engaging in harmful behaviors in an attempt to connect, attach, or get attention. Often, these are very young parts of ourselves desperately needing soothing, acknowledgement and love. 

Here’s where it gets sticky: this often negatively impacts our relationships or connections with others, be it friend, colleague, or romantic partner. Despite making numerous attempts at meaningful connection, the adult with an emotionally immature caregiver often lacks the tools or insight to have enduring connection with others.

Many clients express feelings of sadness, loneliness, or even bewilderment as a result. They may even ask themselves, why am I continuing to make the same mistakes over and over, fueling feelings of shame and embarrassment at yet another relationship up in flames? 

In Lindsay Gibson’s book, Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, she discusses the role of emotions and how to use them to as a bellwether. Gibson states, “Your feelings indicate when conditions are not good for you. They show danger much faster than conscious thought. If you don’t listen to them, they will raise the volume.” 

How do we compassionately and healthfully manage these painful feelings and maladaptive behaviors that don't make sense, seem to be without resolution, or have us feeling “othered” when we’re around more securely attached people? How do we experience successful, healthy relationships or friendships? 

There is hope, I promise. It may be a tough road ahead, but as a trusted colleague often says, there is also more base metal with which to make gold. 

And this much is true: if you grew up with an emotionally immature caregiver you can endure more than you know.

How to Recover:

Pay attention to your feelings: when you feel overwhelmed or anxious, stop and put your hand on your chest. Connect with yourself, try and name what you are feeling. It is likely you were taught to pay attention to others’ feelings instead of your own. Identifying and naming your feelings can be scary at first, but it’s a powerful life skill. After all, our emotions serve as our built-in GPS system for guiding us in life.

• Get acquainted with your inner child: Do you have pictures, toys, or keepsakes from your childhood? Consider creating some physical space for the little you. Build an altar or designated space in your home in order to honor space you did not have as a child. Express yourself and get creative.

• Learn to center your preferences. What exactly does this mean? If you grew up pleasing others, either by staying small or taking care of others, there is a good chance this will be difficult. You can start small by asking yourself: does this energize me or deplete me? Does this feel safe, or do I feel scared? What food/colors/music/activities do I like?

• Consider beginning a meditation practice: perhaps being in your body, in the present moment, feels terrifying. Start small, a few minutes a day, to come home to you. 

• Start a journaling practice. Write about what you are feeling, noticing, and ways you may be changing.

• Invest in a licensed therapist who specializes in this type of reparenting work. Having a trusted, trained therapist to unpack and process these feelings and memories is essential.

Learning to pay attention and center yourself first is the first part of the path in coming home to you. This is work only you can do, but having a support system is essential. 

If you are interested in learning more, or partnering with me in your healing journey, please reach out to me.